Narada: My Guardian Angel

I promised I would tell the story of Narada so here goes. I was snooping around on my old Xanga blog and found this. It is a letter I wrote to him on Yahoo messenger when I was 16 years old. Blacksheep80897 is my old Yahoo messenger name (emo, much?). It is completely unedited. I wrote this on the exact same day he died so I may have said some things that were… “off”. I decided to keep the grammar errors and all. I continued writing letters like this to him on MySpace years after his death updating him on my life and telling him ‘happy birthday’. He was never my “boyfriend”, but, in a way, I wish he was at the time. He was a truly great guy. I viewed him as my guardian angel. He is the main reason why I started The Angel Project (I’ll explain this later). I even cry while reading this now.

 

 

Hey, this will be my last entry in this journal. I just wanted to say that Narada Bonds, my bestest friend in the whole world, passed away yesterday at 8:35 p.m. in a car wreck…He was on his way home from work. I just found out about it a few hours ago today. It was also on the news. They said it was a head on collision with an SUV…They said he didn’t feel anything, but that’s what they always say to make you feel better.

Here is a letter I wrote to him on Yahoo messenger…Even though he will never be able to read it.

blacksheep80897: Narada, I’m sorry. I know you will never get a chance to read this, but I just wanted to say that I love you. I always wated to tell you that, but I guess I waited too late. I’m so sorry. You were the bestest friend I’ve ever had. Seriously. You never left me. You were always nice. You were always there. I will always love you. You were the greatest person I ever met. You didn’t deserve this. Not now. Not so soon. And I wanted to tell you that I love black men just like how you told me you love black women. I should have went to that party with you. I really shoud have. How could I have been so stupid. I said that I wanted to go to see that stupid peach drop. I said that I wanted to go to Downtown Atlanta to see that stupid as peach with my brother before he left to Valdosta.

blacksheep80897: But I can still talk to my brother. I can’t talk to you anymore. I’m so sorry. That was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I should have went with you. I miss you so much. I was going to call you today. I watched the Gungrave anime. It was great. It was the best anime I’ve ever watched. My favorite. I was going to call you and tell you that. I told yuor grandma that you loved her so much and that she was your best friend…Well it probably didn’t come out right cause I was crying, but I told her as best as I could.

blacksheep80897: You didn’t get to finish your story. It was the best story I’ve ever read. If I can, I will get your journal from your room and put it in my memories drawer. I promise. Along with those kewl Marvel posters you gave me. You didn’t get to finish reading the Gungrave manga series either. At least you got to read up to book 3 or 4. I miss you so much. You were my best friend. My only friend. I wanted to tell you “I love you”. You deserved it. But I was too busy wasting my “I love you”‘s on that bastard, Raul- Someone who didn’t deserve it. Your parents love you Narada. Your mom too. Even if you said that they were mean to you sometimes, they love you. I’m sure they were just being strict on you ecause they love you so much. They didn’t want to see you get hurt.

blacksheep80897: Remember when I wrote you that message on Xanga that was all Oprah-ish? I meant every word I said. You told me not to talk like that, but I am so fucking glad that I did. You deserved every word of it. You were the only person who left me messages on Xanga. You were the only one who cared. Thank you so much. Bad things always happen to good people. You were so good. You didn’t deserve this. I promise, when I grow up, I will avenge your death. I will. I promise. Everyone will know about you and they wil say, “he was a really great man”. Even though you didn’t get to fully develop into a man physically, you were always a man mentally. In every way. I’m so sorry that you died a virgin. You said that you didn’t want to find some random girl to fuck. You wanted a girl that really loved you.

blacksheep80897: I know this may sound too provocative, but I wish I would have let you take my virginity away. It would have been great. But nooo I always said that I didn’t want to be your girlfriend. You died without ever having a real girlfriend. All those other girls never really cared about you. I did and I still do. I change my mind about that whole “friends with benefits” thing. You were my boyfriend all along. The best boyfriend I’ve ever had. But I was too dumb to see that. I feel so cold and so numb right now. These words are just pouring out of my head. I have 81 people on my Yahoo messenger list, but it doesn’t even matter anymore. You were the only one that list that really counted. I miss you so much. Is this all just a dream? This can’t be real. Why you?? Of all people.

blacksheep80897: I promise that I won’t commit suicide. I will stay strong for you. I won’t get depressed either. No more cutting. No more mental hospitals. You said that you were always depressed and that you wanted to commit suicide, but, no, I’m glad you didn’t. You went out like a true man. I will never forget you. I never did get to draw that picture for you. I’m so sorry. Before I was told about your death, I was laughing and at the movies watching The Chronicles or Narnia. Narnia?? Who gives a fuck about Narnia, now? I should have called you. My dad called my mom while in the theater. I said, “ugh, mom, your making black people look bad. Turn your cell phone off.”. Then my mom told my brother and I that we had to leave the theater. I knew it was something serious if we had to leave the theater.

blacksheep80897: My mom was on the pnone with my dad saing things like “oh lord no”. I cried. I didn’t even get to hear the bad news yet, but I cried anyway. Then she hung up the phone and said,”something terrible has happened. You will never guess who it happened to.” I automatically thought my uncle Mark, but then se said that you died in a car crash. I knew it was something bad, but I didn’t know it was something THAT bad. I just yelled no over and over again out loud and cried. I didn’t care who heard. I just didn’t care. You know, I kinda wish that it was my uncle instead of you. I know that’s mean, but god, anyone but you. We were going to go to Georgia State University together. You said that you were going to throw a huge birthday party on your brithday this year- March 15-

blacksheep80897: And you said that I was invited. I was looking forward to that party. And, trust me, I will still throw that huge party you were talkin about on March 15. We also said that we were going to throw a “I hate V-Day” party, too because we both hate Valentine’s Day. You said, “Courtney, I promise you that you won’t be lonely this Valentine’s Day. I will make this your best Valentine’s Day ever”. Now I hate V-Day even more than before. I went to your house as soon as I heard of your death. Your parents, your grandma, your step sister, step brother- Everyone was there. I don’t think it kicked into your parents yet that you are gone. I think they are in shock. Luke is still smiling though and he’s so smart. He’s too young to realize this pain. Usually, when I’m sad, I listen to music or pet my cat

blacksheep80897: to drown out the pain, but I can’t do that now. I don’t know what to do. Please, help me. I miss you so much. It seems that every time I get close to someone, they either go away or die- Just like my grandma. Just like Raul. Just like Chris…Just like you. I wanted to start this year off on a good note. I wanted to start over. I knew something bad was going to happen this year, But I didn’t know it’d be this bad. Just like what I said in my recent journal entry on Xanga, something bad always happens to me during the second semester of school. I cursed God. I challenged God. I told him to bring it on. Well, he surely did bring it on. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I think I have a curse on me. I literally, truely do. I didn’t even get to go to your church with you like we planned to do.

blacksheep80897: I just don’t know what to do anymore. But, just like I promised, I will stay strong. I promise. I will keep my head up. I won’t be depressed. I will love myself. And while I’m doing this, I will be thinking of you. Thank you so much, Narada. I must go now. My head hurts from crying. My eyes are red and puffy. I can’t stop shaking and I feel so numb and cold. But, hey, guess what? I drove around the neighborhood today. Finally. I did good. I stayed on my side of the road I promise to send you messages like this daily. I promise. I will kep you updated on my life. Goodnight, Narada. Well, I don’t even think I can sleep now. I don’t know what to do. R.I.P. Narada. Best friends forever.

Courtneynarada

I drew the Sailor Moon on the pic for him ^__^ Heheh, I remember laughing about this with him.

File0014

This is a picture of me when I was 16 years old and I look completely hideous, but I don’t care right now. I’ve come a long way from being the ugly duckling.

NARADA(Grave) BONDS
March 15, 1988-  January 6, 2006

My protector…My guardian angel…My best boyfriend…My best friend.

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