Just copy and pasted these last few entries from an old, dead blog : /
It took almost a year for my status to change from pending, but I’d be damned if I gave up. “I can wait as long as they want me to.” It’s not like I have anything else to do. I religiously commented in the NCCC group on Facebook and a lot of people dropped out because they got a job or started school, or just simply got tired of waiting.
Why would I get tired of waiting? I have nothing better to do.
But there was no school for me. There were no other options. I put all my eggs into one basket and hoped for the best. I tried joining the military, but that didn’t work out. Job prospects also weren’t looking so good for both me and my mom and we consoled each other. My mom became my best friend in these months and I to her as well.
One day, I nonchalantly brought the mail into the house and I saw a thin envelope from AmeriCorps. I could have fainted from the excitement. I opened it and it read “Congratulations, you are accepted into AmeriCorps NCCC on the Vinton, Iowa campus!”
Accepted wasn’t scratched out and decline wasn’t written next to it, and it was signed at the bottom. This was legit. I was ecstatic, but my mom was more vocal about than anyone else. A “congratulations” to my mom meant yelling it so the whole neighborhood could hear and calling all our relatives to let them know. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I weren’t accepted. To be honest, I applied to AmeriCorps in 2009 and didn’t get the chance serve the 2009 term, but they kept my application and it rolled over to the 2010 term. It was heart breaking to see all the 2009 prospective AmeriCorps members write on the Facebook group about how happy they were to be accepted. I felt like everyone was accepted, but me. I’m so glad I persevered through all the difficulty and rejection and was finally accepted to serve in the 2010 term instead.
I smiled while I read the paper over and over again, and watched my online status change from “pending” to “accepted” as the days passed. Everyone in the NCCC facebook group who stuck through the long wait posted with so much excitement saying that they were accepted and I followed suit.
This is the day I decided to change my life completely.
The last time I had sex was some time in September of 2008 right before my ex dumped me over the phone (it’s funny how guys always dump you right after they fuck you). From that day forward, I decided to refrain from sex completely. This included both oral and vaginal sex. No penetration what-so-ever. I wanted to remain celibate which was my dream ever since I first had sex at the age of 17. I know how much it hurts to be cheated on and used and I never wanted to feel that feeling ever again. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was saving myself for marriage. I was never the type of girl who dreamed of being married. I never wanted to get married and I never even thought I would live long enough to get married, if I ever were to find any guy who would want to marry me anyway. Also, the whole “saving yourself for marriage” thing was always a bit sexist to me and it reminded me too much of the Christian girls in college who bullied me. I never wanted to be like them. The least I could say is that if any guy were to ever enter my body ever again, he would have to love me. That is all that I ask for.
Outside of being celibate, I also decided to become a guardian angel to any person I met who was being bullied. I, more than anyone else, should know how much it hurts to be bullied. The extent of it was far worse and continued for much longer than what I squeezed into a few paragraphs in 10 minutes. I know how much it hurts for someone to belittle you and call you names and everyone around does nothing but watch and laugh about it. I want to be that person who stands up for them and stops the bullying. I also made a promise to myself to stand up for myself more and not be such a doormat. Confrontation was always something I avoided, but I had to change if I wanted my life to be better. I should never have let the bullying in college continue on the way it did.
So I made three promises to myself before the start of AmeriCorps:
1. Remain celibate until I found the one I loved and he loved me in return.
2. Stand up for all those who are bullied.
3. Stand up for myself when I am bullied.
I took the ring Narada (I’ll describe him in another post) gave me, said a prayer over it- the last prayer I would ever pray in my life- put it on my finger, and the promises were sealed in stone. To be honest, I didn’t know who I was praying to or if whatever I was praying to existed. It was the most awkward prayer in all history of mankind. It probably got intercepted by the religious goalie or Jesus somewhere down the line. I planned to wear his ring all throughout my months in AmeriCorps to remind myself of my promises, but I was too scared that I would lose it so I bought a cheap $1 store ring to replace it which was a good decision seeing as I wore that ring every day in AmeriCorps until I lost it around the first month of wearing it TT_________________TT I was just glad it wasn’t Narada’s ring. If it were Narada’s ring, I would have died.
The start date for AmeriCorps NCCC was May 2, 2010.
AmeriCorps sent a booklet in the mail of all the details about the program and the Vinton, IA campus. I studied that book religiously like how I should have studied in college. AmeriCorps was my exam and I was determined to pass it.
I celebrated my 21st birthday, bought all my needed essentials, and boarded a plane headed to Vinton, IA- a town I never knew existed and not even knowing exactly what the fuck I would be doing there or who the fuck I would meet.
But that is what made it so exciting 🙂