I thought I haven’t wrote in a while because I had writer’s block.
But I don’t have writer’s block at all.
I just simply don’t want to write about gyaru things or fashion right now.
Whenever I wrote of gyaru things or Mori or anything dolly and cute, my boyfriend’s first response is always “Well, I won’t be reading that.”
Lately, I’ve just been wanting to write about my life, but I know no one wants to read about that either. Especially not when it comes to depression. No one wants to read about sad things. No one likes a Debbie Downer. But lately I feel that I have to write about it in a desperate attempt to save my sanity.
My depression is slowly coming back. It let me rest for almost a full year untouched. I believe I was truly happy from April 2012 to January of 2013 and by ‘happy’ I mean content. I took my fourth anti-depressant drug in Job Corps and talked to my 10th therapist (I actually lost count. I just made that number up.) The drug was Lexapro. My first was Zoloft, along with Zyprexa, and followed by Abilify. But my relationship with Lexapro stood out the most. Things were different with us. We had a short lived, but meaningful relationship. I was cut off from my love and never saw him again when my time in Job Corps ended.
I knew it was only a matter of time before it came back strong. It always does. My depression hit me the hardest during three occurrences in my life.
1. When I was 15 years old and my first love, Raul, cheated on me and broke up with me.
2. When I was 20 years old in college being bullied on a daily basis and slut shamed by my friends.
3. When I was 21 years old in AmeriCorps NCCC and my second love, Matt, cheated on me and broke up with me.
These are the only three times in my life when I seriously considered suicide. Which is really weird considering all the deaths of close friends and family members I’ve endured in my life. My depression was at an all time low during my time in AmeriCorps. Despite all the free trips around the country and free meals, my depression still seemed to show its true colors. I believe it was an aftermath to what I endured in college at the age of 20. Number 1 and 3 were the saddest moments, but also incorporated some of the happiest moments of my life. During those moments, I was infinite. No one could stop me. But, because of those moments, I suffer consequences.
Tonight makes the fourth night were I’ve had trouble sleeping. I cry and I cry, and I replay all those moments over and over again in my mind- the sad and the happy. I want to stop, but my mind won’t let me. And it’s a bitch trying to sleep knowing you only have 5 hours left before work starts.
I had yet another dream were my boyfriend cheated on me with another girl and this dream was more vivid than any of the others. This dream far surpassed simply flirting with another girl in front of my face. This dream went the full monty- full blown in my face sex. She was of Hispanic origin and had long dark hair; a thin, cute body. Things I’ve always wanted, but never had. She was confident and what made it worse was that Dani went along with everything she said and never stopped to recognize my tears. Once again, Dani closely resembled my exes, both Matt and Raul. I could hear the moans through the walls. I could hear the giggles and the bumps. And there was nothing I could do but sit there and listen. It was like my dreams were intentionally torturing me; a nightmare. And once I had fallen asleep, despite how hard it was for me to sleep, I couldn’t wake up. I was forced to endure every second.
Deleting someone on Facebook is possibly the most childish thing any adult could possibly do.
But no more ‘childish’ than writing hateful messages about someone on Facebook. I would never have deleted anyone if two of my AmeriCorps “teammates”, both Joz and Matt, hadn’t wrote side eye insults directed at me on one of my Facebook pictures. It was bad enough they bullied me while in AmeriCorps. It was bad enough he cheated on me and used me after I did absolutely nothing to him but be nice to him. I refuse to let people continue to disrespect me when I’ve done nothing to them.
In that moment, it was like something in me snapped and I thought, “Why am I putting up with this abuse?”
In that moment it hit me: I don’t have to. So I solved the problem.
I went on a deleting frenzy in a desperate attempt to ‘cure’ my depression and end my nightmares.
I deleted Matt years ago, but Matt traces still pop up. At first, I thought of deleting my entire Facebook, but that would be silly. What sane minded 20-something American girl would delete her social networking profile? If they do, they always come back. So I did the right thing- I went to the source of the problem and simply deleted the people who were causing my depression to flare up.
The guys who cheated on me went first, then the people who bullied me (Why are they on my friend list anyway?). I thought I would stop there, but I was still in pain so I even deleted the people who reminded me of them- the girls he cheated on me with (Alayna, Victoria, and Kayla), the people he talked to, etc. I even ended up deleting myself completely from the entire AmeriCorps NCCC group for my “team”, Maple 6. In the end, I realized that no matter who I delete, my depression will always be there because the things that happened to me in the past still happened.
You can’t erase history.
I would feel bad, but some of my teammates bullied me a lot in AmeriCorps and the ones who didn’t bully me didn’t stand up for me either. Which is probably worse. No one stood up for me, but I always stood up for everyone else. When my teammates called Matt dumb and fat, I stood up for him. When my teammates called Tori and Kayla sluts, I stood up for them. When everyone called Katie crazy and assumed she cheated on her boyfriend with Duncan, I stood up for her. When everyone ganged up on our team leader, I stood up for him. And, yes, these are things that certain “teammates” said about them behind their back. Throughout the entire AmeriCorps program, I never said anything bad about anyone on my team behind their back because I always thought in my mind “They’re my teammates! We’re like family!”, but as I found out my teammates don’t mind trash talking me and others behind their back. I’m tired of defending people who use me for my kindness and throw shit in my face.
So why should I care about deleting them?
Why should I care about deleting a guy who cheated on me with multiple girls and broke up with me after cumming in my mouth and breaking my almost 3 year celibacy simply because he is my “teammate” (Matt)? Why should I care about deleting a guy who bullied me since day one of AmeriCorps before I even told him my name and yelled “fuck you” at me (JB) for no reason simply because he is my “teammate”? Why should I care about deleting a girl who continuously insinuated that I was dumb and called me slow behind my back (Katie)? Why should I care about a girl who was the ring leader in bullying me, called me dumb all the time, and purposely fooled around with Matt in front of my face when she knew I liked him (Kayla)? Why should I care about deleting someone who always supposedly “jokingly” molested me and was the main person slut shaming me (Joz)?
I have no sympathy for them. I can’t even help writing “team” in quotation marks because deep down I felt like it wasn’t a real team at all.
Teammates don’t bully each other and talk trash about each other behind their back.
It’s either keep them on my friend list and have their pictures/statuses constantly pop up on my newsfeed, and risk my depression flaring up and me ultimately committing suicide or me simply deleting them to end the pain and save my life. I’d rather save my life than worry about the possibility temporarily hurting someone’s feelings. Especially when they didn’t care about hurting my feelings. It doesn’t delete the memories, but at least now I don’t have them cyber bullying me or my depression flaring up.