Forgive and forget

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I just read a friends status on Facebook.

And it went something like:

“As I’ve grown older, drama seems irrelevant to my life. Not every day is promised and realizing that had me thinking about all the shit I’ve done in the past and I’d just like to say: I apologize if I was a ‘bully’ to you in the past or whatever. I was on some kid shit back then. I know they say you can never forget but you can always forgive. Start new. Start fresh.”

It saddens me to know that all those years I was bullied by people in the past, the only thing I will receive to mend my wounds is an apology in a paragraph telling me to forgive and them saying they were on “some kid shit”. All those nights of crying myself to sleep, cutting my wrists, my visit to a mental hospital, the whole development of my depression. I went through so much to heal, but all the bully has to do is say “my bad” and that’s that. They turn their life over to Jesus, get married, have kids, and that’s that.

That’s all.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too mad.

I, myself, am no perfectly sculpted resin doll either. I too make mistakes and I make a lot of them. Have you either sat back and thought of all the things in your life you regret; the things you’re sorry for. Dani would laugh if I told him this and would probably say something like “I don’t regret anything in my life because my mistakes are what made me who I am.” Nothing ever ‘gets’ to Dani. He is always happy, and I am always sad. We are polar opposites in that sense.

So, unlike Dani, I sat and thought of the mistakes in my life and I decided to write out a list of my own things I apologize for because I was on “some kid shit” in those moments:

1. I apologize to my mom. I’m sorry for the things I say. I’m sorry I didn’t go to church when you wanted me to. I don’t believe in God, but I could have tried to go out of love for you. I’m sorry for pushing you away when you hug me. I’m sorry for turning my face when you kiss me. I apologize for that night at the Chinese food restaurant when we got in a heated argument over some dumb shit and I yelled at you “That’s why your husband is cheating on you!”  I was probably about 10 years old at the time and I faintly remember if it even happened. I’m sorry for being selfish and being so depressed all the time. I should have known you were depressed too and needed me when your mom passed away. Throughout my pre-teen years and teenage years, I know I was a bitch. I always blamed my hormones or my depression, but I should have took blame for my own actions and been woman enough to apologize to your face.

2. I apologize to my dad. I still remember that night when we argued over some dumb shit and I yelled back at you “I don’t love you!” That’s not true. This happened when I was probably 7 years old and I apologized for this in real life to his face 10 years after the incident.

3. I apologize to the little black boy at church who had a crush on me. You only liked me and wanted to get to know me, but only if you had known that I was ill in the mind at the time and was 100% against dating. We met at a mall one day outside of church and he literally followed me around for the entire hour or two I was at the mall constantly asking me the same question over and over again after I had already declined the offer to date him: “Why don’t you like me?” The most annoying question you can ever ask a girl. Do you really want her to be honest? I replied, “I’m sorry. I just don’t.”, but he continued to ask me again and again so I yelled at him and told him “I only date white men!” which was far, far from the truth, but my only goal was to make him shut up and go away and that he did. He never talked to me after that.

4. I apologize to the pets I’ve had in the past. I had the nickname of “Elmira” in my neighborhood. I LOVED animals a little too much. I didn’t know that I was hurting you at the time because I was so young and thought you were having fun too, but, now that I’ve matured, I know that my hamster did not enjoy the make shift roller coaster ride I gave him. Especially since that resulted in him breaking his leg.

5. I apologize to the boy I yelled at in college. You didn’t deserve that. I only yelled at you because I was so stressed out from being bullied. That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure there is more.

This list was very hard for me to write out and also hard for me to think of things to write. I haven’t done that many bad things to others in my life, but these few things were very hard for me to admit. I am actually thankful that I haven’t hurt that many people in my life compared to most other people. I was cursed with a severely strong conscience at birth making me care more about other people than myself.

However, it saddens that the few people I did hurt were mainly people who care the most about me. I read a quote once:

“Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us.”

Some much truth is in that statement.

It is ironic, and it is sad.

Because of this, in a way, I believe I deserve every bad thing that happens to me in my life.

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