Spilling soy sauce on a white dress

I’ve known Dani for almost 8 years now and we’ve been dating for almost 2 years.

We met when I was 17 and he was 18. MySpace started it all.

I was going through one of my phases were I tried to overcome my shyness so the best I could do at the time to overcome it was to send a cute boy a message on MySpace. Talking to him face to face was out of the question (in the beginning anyway). My only means of social interaction was through online social networking websites like MySpace and games like Phantasy Star Online. Besides, it was almost impossible to meet a cute boy like this in the vicinity of where I lived so the internet really came in handy. So I sent him a message and, to my surprise, he responded.

We’ve been inseparable ever since. Dani has many names to me and they were all greatly earned. Because of his personality, he gained the nickname Kenshin like in the anime Rurouni Kenshin. Because of his soft hair, I called him Rabbit. Because of his pale skin, I called Marshmallow. And I call him Dani because his name is Daniel (obviously). I gave my virginity to him and he did the same for me. It was the most awkward yet intriguing sexual experience I’ve ever had. When I first laid eyes on him, I knew he would be the one to have my virginity. He had pale skin, long dark anime like hair, a long, lean body, and piercing eyes. He looked exactly like an anime character. To the weaboo inside me, he was perfect. I thought, “I basically have to have sex with this guy.” I wore all white that day. Even my shoes were white. I accidentally spilled Chinese food on my white dress in the car on the way home and even til’ this day I comment on it saying how symbolic it was. “I wore all white the day I lost my virginity and I dirtied my white dress with soy sauce. It was destiny that I lost my virginity that day to you.” Dirtying my white dress was symbolism for losing my virginity.

Sometimes we would abruptly stop talking to each other for weeks, months, even years, but, somehow, when we talked again it was like we never stopped. Despite my shyness and extreme awkwardness whenever I talked to anyone else, there was never an awkward moment when talking to Dani. I guess you could say Dani and I merely started off as friends with benefits. That’s all we were. Meaning we could cuddle and talk after senselessly fucking each others brains out instead of just fucking each others brains out. Most of our meetings were in cars and cheap motel rooms, and they all started with “Hey, let’s watch a movie!” (Translation: “Hey, I’m horny and I want to fuck you”). No one could have told me it wasn’t classy. Being young and being desperate, you learn the meaning of “when there’s a will, there’s a way” and find the cheapest solutions possible to appease your needs.

He’d make surprise visits to my house at 2am and we would debate for hours about whether or not I should come out to see him. “Dani, I told you not to come over!” “But I wanted to see you.” I was 17 then and had curfews. I knew my parents would be mad if I snuck out of the house at 2am, but I was a determined young girl. I rubbed my body with cocoa butter and sucked on a Hershey’s chocolate bar that my dad had bought me earlier that day and he told me I tasted like chocolate when I finally decided to come out to see him.

It didn’t hurt at all as Hollywood films had promised, but I did bleed a little. Just a little. My hymen had been completely broken; I had been “deflowered”. In society’s eyes, a slut had been born that day. Based on what the media had tried to sell to me, I figured that as a woman, once I lost my virginity, I would grow fangs, start listening to Courtney Love, and fly away on a broom stick. However, to my surprise, I felt exactly the same as a non-virgin as I did when I was a virgin. I was still the same ol’ 17 year old white dress wearing Olivia. I was still painfully shy. I still wore big, nerdy glasses and I didn’t take up the art of chain smoking.

Why is it that once a girl is no longer a virgin, it’s always about “losing” something?

Why is the first experience with sex not looked at the same as your first car or first child or graduating from high school?

I just see my first experience as that- a first experience. I’ve come to the conclusion that the “loss” of virginity or “innocence” is merely a concept created by an overly patriarchal society saturated with crazy fantasies of Abrahamic faiths- and I want nothing to do with it.

I have no regrets.

I’m 23 years old now and he is turning 25 years old soon. I’ve slept with 3 other men since losing my virginity to him (surprise, surprise) and he’s slept with about 19 other girls. There is no jealousy in our relationship. We talk of marriage and kids and owning a house together. It took us 5 years to realize we would make a good couple, but I would not have had it any other way. I look forward to our future together.


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