The tables have turned…

I usually have dreams about my boyfriend cheating on me.

I think I’ve had about 6 dreams in total of him being unfaithful.

The most recent was of him with a thin girl with long dark hair. All the girls in my dreams resemble girls that guys have cheated on me with in the past. They were all petite white girls with long, brown hair and big boobs. She laughed and giggled, and he flirted with her right in front of my face. I’d ask him things like “Do you want to go to so and so with me?” while blushing and he’d completely ignore me because he’s too busy paying attention to the other girl.

I notice in all these dreams, Dani acts just like Matt and every other guy I cared about who cheated on me. They all flirted with other girls right in front of my face like I wasn’t there. I felt invisible and maybe to them I was invisible. I felt so helpless, but I still continued to be nice to them. I have a really bad habit of being in denial and being forgiving. Whenever a guy cheats on me, it always takes a while for it to sink in.

With Matt, I met him in AmeriCorps. He was my second love. I remember asking Matt to go to the movies with me to see some shit movie. I can’t even remember what the movie was. I didn’t even want to see the movie. I just wanted to be with Matt. But, instead, he brought Kayla along (another teammate) and he sat with her instead of sitting with me. I paid $8 just for a chance to sit next to someone and see a shit movie I didn’t want to see. He could have walked up to me one day and said, “Hey, want to sit next to me? That’ll be $8! But there’s a 50% chance that I won’t sit next to you and your money won’t be refunded.” and I would have paid it in a heart beat. Essentially, it’s the same thing just without the shit movie. Even when the movie ended, he walked with her and not with me, and I tried to keep up. I might as well not have been there. Any other time I asked to do something with him, he always claimed he was too busy.

I think the most heart breaking night (outside of the night when I read the text messages in his phone saying that he slept with like every girl on campus) was when I was sitting next to him, as happy as could be and the same girl comes up and ruins the moment. She confidently asks “Can I sit here?” pointing between us. Yes, she literally pointed between us. I had to move over just so she could sit down. Of course, he said yes with enthusiasm and they flirted and fooled around the entire night while I was still sitting there.

I felt like a ghost again and at that point I was starting to believe that I may really be a ghost.

With Raul, I met him in high school. He was my first boyfriend and my first love. We had this thing were we would sometimes walk to class together. I was the happiest girl walking next to him. You could literally see sunlight beaming from my face. That’s how happy I was. Except one time his ex girlfriend asked to walk with us and, of course, he agreed. They flirted the whole time while he walked me to my class. In fact, I walked behind them and they walked side by side while he made side comments about admiring her body. He practically begged me not to buy him gifts on Valentine’s Day and I looked confused saying “What kind of girlfriend would I be to not buy you anything?” It was the first time I actually celebrated V-day. V-day was always a lonely day for me.

In middle school, during V-day, they would send big teddy bears and candies to the “chosen girls” during class and had them sit it in the front office during school so they wouldn’t lose it. At the end of the day when we all sat in the gym together, they’d call everyone to the front office to come pick up their gifts they received in the morning. They’d quickly jump up to go get their gifts, leaving all the loser kids still seated in the gym. It was a direct separation of the wanted and the unwanted. Of course, I was always the unwanted. I grew a hatred for Valentine’s Day so, for the first time in my life, when I finally did have someone to share it with, I wanted it to be special. I bought him a card and wrote my own special hand written letter inside and a heart shaped Skittle container (Skittles were his favorite), and a heart shaped cake. I was more than excited to give them to him and see his face.

When V-day came, on the day of school, I rushed to him and handed him my gifts in my own shy way. He handed them back to me and explained he didn’t have anything for me, then walked off with his ex-girlfriend. Of course, I cried the most silent of cries and decided to eat the cake myself than have it go to waste. I felt horrible thinking that maybe I should have just given it to someone else who didn’t have a Valentine’s. When I came home that day and told my mom, she grabbed the Skittles container and threw it against the wall. The heart shattered into pieces and the Skittles went flying in the air.

I thought, “How symbolic.”

Then my brother came in the room and ruined the moment screaming, “Oooh, it’s raining Skittles!!” and rushed to eat them off the floor >______>

Every time I fall in love or remotely have a crush on a guy, I revert back to being a giggly high school girl and I completely lose all my common sense. I try to teach myself to dump a guy if he ever makes me cry, but, to be honest, I’ve never dumped anyone in my life. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping thinking about what those guys did to me. Everything they said rings over and over again in my head. I just take these moments as a lesson learned. Because of those few assholes I’ve met, I’ve learned to NEVER cheat on anyone because I know how much it hurts.

So you can only imagine how surprised I was when I had my most recent dream.

It wasn’t Dani who is the one who cheated on me this time. I cheated on him. I treated him just as Matt and Raul treated me. I flirted with another guy right in front of his face like he wasn’t there. It got so bad to the point that Dani walked up to me in the dream and asked,

“Do you love him or do you love me?”

I looked around and replied, “I love Daniel” and we walked away together.

Outside of the other guy being pissed, I thought it was pretty romantic. I’ll probably never be the same after all that has happened to me and sometimes I doubt I will ever get married. I wonder if I’ll keep having dreams of my boyfriend cheating on me and I will forever not fully trust anyone.

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