The worst of the worst

What kills me most about my cheating dreams and cheating paranoia, is the fact that I actually seriously thought about breaking up with my boyfriend simply because I assume he will cheat on me in the future. The more nice he is to me, the more he says he won’t, the more I believe he will and the more I know it will hurt when it actually does happen. I always told myself that if things don’t work out with me and my current boyfriend, I will just stay single forever. People always associate being “single” with being sad, but being single has to be better than this. Every day is like a gamble. I might as well have just put $5 in the slot machine ever second I spend trusting him. Marriage and relationships in general are nothing but a sick joke. You’re just purposely setting out to hurt yourself; you’ve set up the perfect scenario for hurting yourself to the fullest extent. How dumb is that?

Yes, sure, become so comfortable with this stranger to the point were you tell them all your secrets and confide in them when times get rough; share your body with them; endure hours of painful labor to bear their children; live together under one roof; let’s even get money involved in this and share bank accounts. Yes, invest so much money and time in this one person. Put all your trust in them- and then dumbly expect them to stay faithful to you and only you for the rest of your life. That’s like throwing all your most loved possessions all in one room in your house, covering it with gasoline, setting it all on fire, and hoping it won’t burn the whole house down. And what kills me is that we always get so sad when we find out the person cheated. After being stuck with you and only you for years and years, what did you honestly expect? Are we really that egotistical and selfish?

Why is that humans purposely put themselves in situations were they know they have a high chance of getting hurt, then get so surprised when they really do get hurt? Like driving or mountain climbing or skateboarding or surfing. I keep hearing on the news about some dumbass who goes swimming in the ocean only to find out they got bit up by a shark. Are we supposed to feel sorry for them? Weren’t they basically begging to die? I feel no sympathy for teens who died while driving drunk on prom night, I feel no sympathy for people who mountain climb and slip and fall and break their neck. I feel like a bitch, but it’s so true.

This is what I thought about as I sat on the toilet and cried my eyes out and it brings me back to the question: Do I stay in this relationship or should I continue to play russian roulette? It kills me to even think of this question because I literally have the sweetest boyfriend in all the world. He is honestly the nicest guy I have ever met in my whole life. Why is it that as soon as I find a nice guy, I reject it? Because of what happened to me in the past, I can’t live in happiness even when it’s thrown in my face. Matt was a nice guy, so was Raul, so was Morris. They all start off as nice guys.

But then they turn into monsters.

And it would literally break my heart to see a friend of 6 years, my best friend, my boyfriend turn into a monster.


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