Paranoia is consuming me

It happened again last night.
I had another dream about my boyfriend cheating on me. I think this is about the 8th time I’ve had a dream like this. At first, I told my boyfriend about it and we talked it over and I felt better. I thought I was cured, but I’m not. Now I’m scared to tell my boyfriend about the dreams because now he’ll realize that I have a serious problem. I didn’t think I did, but maybe I do. All the dreams are so real and I wake up in a panic, filled with anger until I realize it was just a dream. The girl in the dream this time had a striking resemblance to Layla in the show Dexter which makes perfect sense because all last week my boyfriend and I watched the Dexter series.

I loved the series so much, I became consumed with it. The characters became like my friends. When Dexter cheated on Rita with Layla, it was too much for me to take. My personality instantly went from happy to sad in 0.2 seconds. I didn’t think much about it, but I actually cried because of it. I tried not to show my boyfriend how sad I was so I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I felt so sorry for Rita because she reminds me so much of myself- quiet, shy, soft spoken. It reminded me too much of my own life when guys I loved in the past cheated on me. I’ve been cheated on and hurt so much, now I cry every time I hear a lyric in a song or watch a scene in a movie about cheating.

I returned to his room thinking I was done crying and he just simply thought I went to use the restroom. My plan was perfect. He couldn’t have known that I actually just went to cry while sitting on the toilet seat like a little bitch. I always try to be so strong, but I couldn’t help myself. Even after returning, the tears kept pouring out. I completely lost all my interest in Dexter and, of course, my boyfriend quickly noticed. He saw the tears, he saw my weakness and, in a way, maybe I wanted him to. He immediately paused the show and pestered me into telling him what was wrong. It was very awkward. I don’t like for attention to be on me. I don’t like to receive sympathy.

I told him that it reminded me too much of my exe and what he did to me (and my exe before that, and my exe before that, etc.). The more my boyfriend kept talking to me about it, the harder I cried and the harder I cried, the more he would wipe my tears away. He held me and reassured me that it won’t happen again. It was almost like one of those sappy scenes in The Notebook. I’ve never watched The Notebook, but I imagine it being really sappy. When the tears stopped and he was done kissing my wounds away, he continued playing Dexter. My tears never really stopped after that, I just got better at hiding them.

The rest of the series was awkward. Dexter was becoming sort of a hero to me in my own sick way, but now he was nothing. In the show, Rita forgave him, but I didn’t. Just like with my exes, the pedestal he stood on collapsed and he went from being an intelligent hero to a dumbass serial killer. In my eyes, Dexter was now Matt. He gained 200lbs, had that silly long floppy brown hair, and he forever had a sneer in his smile. Everything he said from then is was a lie and, all the while, he still, surprisingly, in some way, owned my heart.

The show continued to play the rest of the night, but it was no longer the same and I’m not sure if I even paid much attention to it anymore after that.


2 thoughts on “Paranoia is consuming me

  1. Pingback: I’ve Identified a Fear « If Happy Ever After Did Exist…

  2. Pingback: song recording: “the fear of paranoia” « power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci

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