I rarely ever get out of the house. Literally. I am a total and complete shut in. I come home from work and sit at my computer desk until it’s time to go to bed. Even when I get dressed up and put on gyaru make-up, I only wear it for a few hours to take pictures and sit around the house. I am the exact definition of wasting one’s life away.
So going to the local grocery store was a big deal to me.
It was like a trip down fairy lane to the city of Narnia. I didn’t get dressed up fancy or anything. I might as well have been wearing a jacket and some sweats. And my hair? Oh boy, my hair. I was wearing that “bun” (quote, quote) I made in my previous post and I had no make-up. I was buying make-up for a new gyaru look I wanted to try and this random dude comes up next to me. He looked really into that Maybelline eyeliner, I mean really into it. In that moment, I instantly knew he wanted to ask me out- what guy eyeballs the make-up section like the new Assassin’s Creed?
Call me conceited, but I have a lot of experience with men asking me out in the past and I wasn’t exactly born yesterday. It’s pretty easy to point out when a guy wants to bang you. So I immediately speed walked to another aisle- the hair product aisle- and cursed my fat ass. My ass is the number reason why any guy would usually ask me out. And, low and behold, this dude pops up again and, this time, he wasn’t eyeballing the Motions or Carol’s Daughter and not even the ever so precious Shea Moisture, he was eyeballing me. I just stood there in my frumpy attire waiting for him to give me the spiel.
“Hey, lil’ ma. When you gon’ let me hit dat?”
“Can I get dem digits home girl?”
“Damn yo, look at dat ass!”
“Can a nigga get yo numba shorty?”
I could write a book on all the lines I’ve heard. I waited to see if he would surprise me with a, “Hello, my name is blah blah blah. Your appearance really appeals to me and I find it so much to my liking that I would like to ask you to accompany me on a date this lovely afternoon.” And my mouth would drop.
But no. No surprises. Same ol’, same ol’.
He told me how pretty I am and asked if he could get my number and went on about how he’s new to this state.
Any time a guy asks me out, I do the same thing every time: I put my head down and look away. I am beyond shy. I already had my rejection line ready in my head before he even finished, before he even started talking. It’s been the same rejection line since March 12, 2011 when Dani and I started dating:
“Ooh, I’m sorry, sir. I already have a boyfriend.”
The “ooh, I’m sorry” part makes it less harsh. Whenever you have a Brokeback Ben or a Quasimodo (I’m mean? Oh, shush. You know you think the same thing.) after you, this, in my opinion, is always the best rejection line. It works 97% of the time. No one gets hurt and I don’t look like a bitch. Instead, it just makes you look like a faithful girlfriend and, in his warped mind, it’s almost like saying “Ahh, I’m sorry boo. I would fuck you if I didn’t have a boyfriend.”
Or, at least it did in this guys mind. After hitting him with the line I thought he would go away, but this mothafucka had the nerve to say “Well can I give you my number anyway for whenever your boyfriend makes you mad?”
I had to double kick him with a combo A and B move and be as blunt as possible, “That’s not going to happen.”
He then apologized and walked away.
I decided to write out a list of lines that work 97-100% of the time for whenever you encounter any of these awkward moments when you’re somewhere just trying to have fun with your girlfriends or shopping for groceries for your kids or whatever and some random guy comes up ruining your moment. Use at your own risk.
For normal, everyday situations. These work 97% of the time…
1. “Ooh, I’m sorry. I already have a boyfriend.”
I already explained this one. You may not think the “ooh I’m sorry” part is necessary, but trust me, it is. Even if you don’t have a boyfriend, you can use this anyway. In my opinion, this is the safest, most effective line to use.
2. Give him the wrong phone number.
I’ve never tried this. It helps with not making you seem like a bitch, but only temporarily until he calls the number. But that’s ok, but you won’t see him again. Obviously, you can’t use this technique on someone you see on a day to day basis. So, nope, you’ll have to find another way to avoid that weird guy at the office.
3. Say you don’t have a phone.
Bold seeing as most people have phones these days, but one time I really didn’t have a phone and I used this line and it worked.
4. Tell him you’re underage.
The scary part is that I’ve done this when I was underage and not once did it ever work. I’ll still write this here though because any sane minded man would see this as a red flag to leave this girl alone. Even if you aren’t underage, you can use it, but only if you look really young. I don’t think I can use this excuse anymore. If the guy hitting on you is also underage, well, tough luck.
5. Tell him your parents won’t let you date.
Only works for women within a certain age range. Yes, put all the blame on your parents so you definitely can’t be the bitch here.
6. Put him in the friend zone.
This one is probably the most used, but I wouldn’t say the most effective. Guys never understand the friend zone and somehow thinks it means that if I buy her a bunch of shit she’ll one day sleep with me when she’s vulnerable. I hate to break it to you guys (and girls) but, no, being friendzoned just means he/she doesn’t find you physically/mentally attractive, but they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
7. Say you can’t date for religious reasons.
Yep, it’s definitely Gods fault I rejected you so don’t get mad at me. Even if you’re an atheist and never set foot in a church, use it anyway.
For sorta desperate situations. These work 98% of the time.
8. Tell him you have seven kids… all from different men.
Works like a charm. He’ll never talk to you again.
9. Tell him you have AIDS or some other STD.
This is your wild card so only use this if you really need to.
10. Blurt out you’ve slept with over 50 men.
No man can withstand the call of the overly sexually experienced female. It reminds him too much of himself.
11. Start crying.
Instant awkwardness. No one likes to comfort someone when they’re crying, especially not men. Shed a tear or two and go on about how awful your day has been and I’m sure he’ll walk away immediately.
12. “I’m on my period.”
Period blood instantly makes men uneasy. He’ll either think you might go on a wild killing rampage and run away in fear that he’ll be in your kill zone or that you might touch him and give him cooties. No one likes blood. Especially not vagina blood. He’ll practically have to walk away.
13. Tell him you’re a lesbian.
This works for obvious reasons. Just don’t let him see you hugging up with another guy.
If you’re feeling really desperate. Break these out only for emergencies. These work 99% of time.
14. Start digging up your nose.
15. Cough/sneeze in his face.
16. Start scratching your ass.
Yep, mid conversation just start doing any of those three things and see how he responds.
Or, you know, instead of ruining your reputation, you can be boring and just simply tell him “no”. But where’s the fun in that?
If none of that works, you can always try this:
Works 100% of the time.
Or you can give them this face. I tried to do that popular puffy face look… It’s not working.